Wordless Wednesday

Image

Today I simply glanced at a picture of you and the walls came crumbling down.
It's difficult to explain why.
I've recently put quite a few photos away.
I just didn't want to look at them for a while.
I needed a rest from that lingering wonder.

The smells
The sounds
The feelings
All of the things that go with the memory of you.

Out of sight but it seems you are never out of my mind.
A single photo broke my carefully placed walls.
Opened that neatly closed little box.

A single photo. Photographic evidence of a precious life fading. Of a life that no longer exists.
Of a love that is in question.
Of a time and a place that can only be a memory.

Some days those moments seem so far away.
I think I believed I was really heading in a positive direction and then something rattles your confidence and you're left to rebuild all over again.

I'm tired of rebuilding.

Follow that sign?

I'm struggling to wait
To be patient
To hold the space for you
To keep giving
To be unsure of what it is I'm holding on to
What will be left when the decisions are made?
When you let me go? Will you let me go?
Do we start over?
Do we walk away?

What direction are we going in?
I thought it was clear
I was feeling again
Now it feels like I'm the only one who was moving forward
Into the future

I was certain
Now it's a struggle to get through each day and I never wanted to feel like that again
Those were horrible dark places
Places that suck everything you have right from the very core of you

I don't want to pretend either
Pretend that I'm okay with this realisation
That the past 10 years are now floating above me in question
The next ten seem so unclear

Did we waste them?
Did I not do enough?
Am I not trying hard enough?
Is this a wasted effort?

This is your shit, not mine but I'm here hoping
Holding on
Hurting
Waiting

Fading into the hurt
The negativity
The self doubt I've been fighting to control all my life
To get back what was taken from me over and over again

Two broken halves

How long do you think we can pretend?
How long can passion and ignorance sustain this?
What is this we're doing and for who?
It is awkward and always present at the forefront of my thoughts

How long can you give it your all but not receive anything back?
How long before you fade out
Before you are swallowed up by the resent
The hurt

Nothing is real
Nothing makes sense
Nothing
Nothing at all

I'm not sure this I can survive
I'm not sure this I can do forever
I'm not sure anymore

My world is feeling very empty even with you here
You are not present
You are half and I am half but we are not whole

Take it Back

How do you forget those words spoken in desperation and confusion, hurt and anger?
How do you come back from that place where you say hurtful things because your world is crashing down around you?
How do you forgive those who hurt you?
Words said come from somewhere. They aren't easily undone. They always mean something.
How do you put it behind you and not always wonder if it's really true? Did they really mean it?

It's much easier to forgive than it is to forget.

When is it okay to take on that burden because you know deep down they really need you.
You know they are in a dark place. A place you've been yourself.
When is it okay to hide your own pain for the sake of someone you love?
To put them first.

I don't know how to come back from that.
To find that normality.
It's been a really tough road.
I'm still walking.

I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to be broken again.

Malignant

It's been on my mind lately.

The nagging.

The painful yearning.

The want.

The lack of understanding.

If only it were as easy as a regimented grief process. With time limits and instructions.

A boot camp.

With someone standing by, encouraging you.

Guiding the very foggy way.

No, it's not like that at all.

Nothing like that at all.

It is not death that haunts me.

Death I can do.

Death is life, life is death.

It simply and complexly is.

It is the gaping hole in me.

The wound that will not heal.

The one thing that made me feel whole.

The one I try to stitch closed.

To keep from the world.

It will not heal.

I do not know how to put you in your rightful place.

The guilt.

The anger.

The hurt.

I do not know where you belong, or how to be rid of you.

I am holding on but I want to shift this feeling.

Spoken like a simple fact.

It is not simple at all.

It is deeply rooted.

Woven and intertwined.

It is malignant.

Long time

I haven't disappeared off the face of the Earth. It does feel like it sometimes.

We moved. Remember?

It's a wee bit difficult to blog from my phone. I've been itching to get back here and write something meaningful, something interesting, something...

Nope, my head is still spinning. I'm still adjusting and I'm still sleeping on a camping mattress on the floor of our new little house. I'm still without my lovely coffee machine, my craft supplies, my everything really.

My mantra over the past 4 weeks? "We'll get there."

I think I've been so busy trying to make this move a smooth transition for my family that I really haven't had time to think of anything else. There have been a few frustrated and sad tears. But I'm so used to that it's almost nothing. I'm so good at just rolling with those feelings.

I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo though. I don't fee settled yet. At home?

I'm without my things, which in turn makes me feel like I'm without a part of her. Yuna's box of "things". You know statues and photos and bits and pieces. Yet before I moved I didn't feel attached to them? I could feel her. Maybe because I knew they were just there?

There were moments of guilt when you feel like you've left something behind, or when you are so caught up in life, she slips a little bit further into your memory. A little too far. Those moments throw you back under the crashing waves of the grief ocean.

You want to share, you've been away for so long but no one asks. I guess dead babies aren't really a wanted conversation for most of society. Most of the people we know. That makes her feel so far away to me. So unimportant. So forgotten.

But alas, we'll get there. Won't we?