Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Take it Back

How do you forget those words spoken in desperation and confusion, hurt and anger?
How do you come back from that place where you say hurtful things because your world is crashing down around you?
How do you forgive those who hurt you?
Words said come from somewhere. They aren't easily undone. They always mean something.
How do you put it behind you and not always wonder if it's really true? Did they really mean it?

It's much easier to forgive than it is to forget.

When is it okay to take on that burden because you know deep down they really need you.
You know they are in a dark place. A place you've been yourself.
When is it okay to hide your own pain for the sake of someone you love?
To put them first.

I don't know how to come back from that.
To find that normality.
It's been a really tough road.
I'm still walking.

I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to be broken again.

Friday, March 18, 2011


It's been on my mind lately.
The nagging.
The painful yearning.
The want.
The lack of understanding.

If only it were as easy as a regimented grief process. With time limits and instructions.
A boot camp.
With someone standing by, encouraging you.
Guiding the very foggy way.
No, it's not like that at all.

Nothing like that at all.

It is not death that haunts me.
Death I can do.
Death is life, life is death.
It simply and complexly is.

It is the gaping hole in me.
The wound that will not heal.
The one thing that made me feel whole.
The one I try to stitch closed.
To keep from the world.
It will not heal.

I do not know how to put you in your rightful place.
The guilt.
The anger.
The hurt.
I do not know where you belong, or how to be rid of you.
I am holding on but I want to shift this feeling.

Spoken like a simple fact.
It is not simple at all.
It is deeply rooted.
Woven and intertwined.
It is malignant.