Monday, March 15, 2010

Thoughts escaping

Drifting away
It seems inevitable

You do not see me
You do not hear me
You do not know me

Yes you love me
You wished and hoped for more
This we cannot change
Cannot undo

I am selfish
I am hurting
I am trying

I want to be honest
I want to speak

I am silent
I am hiding
I am broken

There are so many facets to these feelings.
So many reason that cannot pass my lips.
So many things you do not understand.
It appears I am damaged and selfish but look deeper and you will see me,
See the reasons, the hurt, the confusion.

Random Thought #1
Crying in the shower it came to me. Another little piece of my heart torn. "The last baby YOU held was my baby, my daughter. That hurts and you have absolutely no idea what that feels like."

Monday, March 8, 2010

Something to ponder

Just a quick one for now. I might come back and revisit this later though.

You can forever wonder and analyze. I know it's not helpful. I really need to just ask myself what I think. What I feel and sit with it. Leave it at that. Let it go. Because with wondering and processing and analyzing we get guilt and self hate. Nothing good can ever come of that.

I need to just accept what is, really. This isn't about accepting that Yuna died or I lost my womb. This is about knowing what I know and accepting. Letting it go.
She'll always be my daughter. I know that, that should be enough. No one else needs to know that.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting her or what we've been through. Letting go means giving myself some peace. Some love and a whole lot less pain and guilt. This is just a theory though...

I can keep searching, keep googling, keep asking but no one will ever give me the answers I want or need, or know what it feels like to be me. Only I know how I feel. Simple it seems.

So my new process is to TRY and just breathe a little bit more. Let go of this questioning and miss her all the same.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Random Thought Collection

I'm not sure where this will end up. Or even if I'm coherent. I am after all dying of the common cold. These may be my last words...
Amazing how I've been in a severely worse condition, yet the common cold is a death sentence. I can laugh and joke about dying, I've got the dead baby.

I find the most random thoughts take on a whole new level of deep. Deep became my life after Yuna. Everything was "deep" and significant. I'm not sure why.

Today I can see just a glimmer of the path I've walked the past year. I've become this person. Or was I always that person? I'm just more defined? I'm not sure. When your baby dies you take on some kind of superhuman strength. I know it never really feels that way but yet we survive. I am slowly learning who I am again. What I love. What I hate. The things that make me, well me. I'm seeing her now. Only just.

My connection to B has moved in and out with the tide. We have managed the past 17 months to just be with each other. We take our relationship as it is. No pressure to force ourselves to be something we're not. Which brings me to communication. I'm very much in my head all of the time. So when it comes to communicating with other people, well I'm exhausted and don't want to talk anymore. Highly unproductive. Yet he lets me just be. We'll reconnect eventually.

On to business...

The response came in relation to my complaint against the hospital and the way they treated me. A whole lotta issues there. In fact I think it was about 4 pages worth of dot points.
So in short.
"I'm a lying offensive radical who should be grateful that I'm alive. Oh but we value your feedback and sincere condolences for your loss."

Random Thought #1 She wasn't a loss. She was a person and she had a fucking name arsehole.
Random Thought #2 Maybe I should just let this go.
Random Thought #3 I don't want to give up, just like that. This isn't fair.
Random Though #4 I am NOT grateful you "saved" me. No I will not thank you for that.
Random Thought #5 I want all this to be over. I want to be able to just miss you. To miss you without all the baggage. Without all the paperwork, investigations, complaints and stress.
Random Thought #6 I want to buy you flowers and just miss you.
Random Thought #7 PTSD fucking sucks
Random Thought #8 Your brothers are missing out on so much without you.
Random Thought #9 I miss you

What a collection I had brewing.


Today you would have been 17 months old
Today I would have been overwhelmed with the love I have for you and your brothers
Today you would have squealed as you learnt how to share with your nearly 3 year old brother
Today you would have smiled and giggled
Today you would have made a mess
Today you would have worn me out
and then
Today you would have snuggled with me
Today I would have been content just to love you and hold you
But today I'm just remembering you
Hoping and wishing you feel me still
Hoping you hear my messages of love
Hoping you catch the tears I've cried for you today