Tuesday, May 22, 2012


For a while now I've had a nagging feeling. Something pushing inside me. A need to unravel.
To fix something or get a better understanding of myself.

I haven't been able to put my finger on exactly what this inner feeling was until now.

Even now I'm not entirely sure what it is. I do know it involves a lot of change in my life.
Changes that hurt, that will ultimately strip me of my layers, reach deep into the core of me.

The work we do for ourselves is always the hardest work. It requires the ego to be pushed aside.

I'm at a point in my life where the tightly bound emotions are unravelling and I'm not in control. There's movement around me and I'm going along with it. I do know what's best for me but I'm choosing otherwise. Choosing to stay in this emotional state. Choosing to lower the boundaries.

Why? It is something I wonder every single day...

Repeating patterns
Taking on negative energy
Pushing people away
Putting up walls

In order to break these things I need to move through this cycle.
The hard tasks. Myself.

When I'm ready it will come.
This time in my life is massive.

7 year cycles reaching it's end or maybe a peak? I don't know. It's just fucking huge stuff...

Friday, May 18, 2012

A single moment

Having a dead baby moment.

The day where I'm that woman...

I should have learnt by now that I need to remove the expectations, the time frames, the limits.

To just be. To let it pass through me. To feel whatever it is I'm feeling at the time.

Key words

Stop fighting it

I just despise this funk

It makes me question my very existence

Her existence

To hold your child

One you never thought you'd have

To have to stare into her eyes and wonder why you are still breathing

To know to the very core of your soul that she was never meant to be




Knowing that you're making decision that no one should ever make

Wishing for peace

Holding on

Watching every move

Every breath

Every smell

Waiting for the moment

The nausea, the confusion and numbness all in one single moment

When hearts break and she's gone



Thursday, May 3, 2012

This life

So many days. Weeks. Months... The thoughts are never far but so very unexpected It still sometimes jumps out to rattle me The only way to describe the feeling is like shock Like a deep punch to the stomach Hollow Heavy Slow I do still find these feelings come in cycles and most certainly I'm sure they'll be there forever She will be a part of me forever I don't want to be that dead baby mama though I never liked her She was needed but not wanted I've finally found a place in life where I can be my quirky self Where I'm not constantly reminded of my past I've made awesome friends who know me as the person they see before them, not anything else Nobody knows me as the woman whose baby died I hated that person That feeling The way it often defined my personality Yes it was my reality for a time and I did find that she would creep so easily into conversation but this RIGHT NOW is not my life I'm all for the now. The living. This life. I'm finally me Focused Happy Living This smile is real By all means it's not perfect Fuck I'm not perfect There are moments Needs Wants Desires Hopes Dreams When I'm stressed or feeling unbalanced The contents of the neatly packaged box inside me begin to spill out When I'm craving touch the cracks appear Simple human connections When conversations become dangerously close to deep Afraid of scaring them away or confusing the balance Protecting what is Ruining a good thing And so it goes Up and down Mostly up Much less down Much much less down It is what it is...