Monday, February 15, 2010

Creative sharing

I'm in such awe of all the baby lost parents I've encountered along the way. Every single one of them I've never met yet we share such a raw, passionate and sad journey together and I feel like I know them. Or at least know those dark parts of them that I too own.

I digress. Again.

I've been reading lots of blogs and looking at those that use a creative outlet for their grief. It's beautiful. I am a creative person at heart. I love to create but when it comes to Yuna and my journey I feel so stifled. It just wont come. It's there but I just can get it to flow. Maybe I'm thinking too much, trying too hard?

Something I love to do though, is edit my photos. I spend hours looking and re looking at them. You can never have too many photos of a person that you didn't get to keep. So I guess that is a creative outlet. I look at her. I remember her. I make them beautiful.
Well they were always beautiful but you know what I mean?

Sharing my photos is a way of me feeling like she was real. She lived. I have proof in the pictures.

I look at these photos and it feels like my heart could burst right out of my chest with such love and joy and pain. So much love for her, so much joy that I held a beautiful baby girl in my arms, so much pain that she's not here in my world.

What's New?

Well meaning friend : "So what are you doing with your life?"

Me: Uhhh well I'm studying again this year, parenting albeit in a somewhat crappy less than full capacity function, breathing...

And so it begins. The racing thoughts, the panic, the wonder. What am I doing? What is this life. Where am I going. My baby died.

Yeah get over it already? Move along nothing to see here.

Just a woman tangled in death.
A woman who cannot look in the mirror for too long.
A woman who cannot feel happiness for someone she should.
A woman who cannot let her partner near.
A woman who cannot bear to show the world how broken she feels.
Is this me?

The thought process and reality of grief and death are two very different things. I can think something but act/feel so different. Logic cannot undo sorrow or fear. Really, I try every waking moment. To be rational and logical. That sorrow still wins. It's that constant thud of my heart. The wet tear on my cheek.

It's more of an ache now. I'll be honest. Sometimes it's raw and intense but more often than not it's that dull ache in the background. It's heavy. Although saying it like that doesn't quite add up to the reality of the feeling. It IS more than that. Isn't it? What SHOULD it be?

I parted with the baby clothes today. Sent them on their way. It sucked. Really sucked. I managed to do it in a way that didn't really hit the nerve directly. It's just sitting there in my chest all heavy waiting for something else to crack it open.

Monday, February 8, 2010


It's not often that I post quickly and promise to come back, and then actually DO come back! Amazing.

So as far as updates go. I don't know whether 2008-2009 were just really really shit years as far as life goes but this year 2010 seems like it's going to be something better. I can't put my finger on it but I've just felt a shift. That doesn't mean to say I didn't spend most of the afternoon yesterday crying and feeling like crap. Hey that's the wheel isn't it? But this year is different. It doesn't take as long to crawl out of the hole.
I literally in my body feel lighter. To some extent...
I'm not all fluffy and embracing life with a smile. That's just not me. I know that. I'd be fooling myself if I were to believe that!

A little insight into me. I don't really have a religion or faith of any description. I am drawn to many different spiritual paths. I do however feel very drawn to cards. Be it Tarot or Angel cards. It depends on my moods. I don't do them all the time either. Only when I feel the urge to pull them off the shelf. It's quite random. I also know whatever gets you through, is all that matters. Some people pray, some people go to church. Whatever gives you that tiny little bit of peace or hope. Whatever.

I wish I had a picture of the card I pulled tonight to show you. It's Toni Carmine Salerno's work anyway. I'm particularly drawn to his work. I sprawled out on the bed tonight and just lay there thinking about my little girl. How I wished I could be near her again. And I pulled the Archangel Azrael card of Completion. I've played with this deck a million times and I've never seen this card before. It's of a girl with the most piercing blue eyes and dark hair. She reminds me of Yuna. It caught my breath. She's surrounded in a veil of stars. On a side note Azrael means "Whom God Helps". In Islam Azrael is known as the angel of death. Azrael's primary role is to help souls cross over and comfort those grieving.

So the card description talks about grief being a natural emotion and the cycles of life and death. About honoring our feelings of what we've lost but to not lose sight of the bigger picture. To remember that this is a cycle. That our loved ones are where they are meant to be.
Remembering not to get stuck on the wheel of grief. Acceptance...

It's exactly the feelings I've been discovering within myself but fighting so hard to suppress. Because acceptance feels like forgetting. Acceptance and letting go are hard. I do feel it's lighter these days. Maybe not always but definitely something has shifted and I'm moving into a new place. It's beyond my control. I thought I'd control this. I don't want to be stuck here in this pain and guilt but something is pushing me out of it whether I like it or not.

I know deep down that I'll never forget her or the journey I've been on. It's my life but I'm also learning that it doesn't have to be painful all of the time.
I hurt but I also love.
I guess you realise that when you walk through a crowd and nobody knows you or your story. It's only what's inside you that really counts. I felt like I wanted to scream at everyone, tell them how sad I am, how ripped off I felt. Explain to them with the tears how I had a baby and she died. I never did this but I wanted to. I still have those moments. I'm sure they'll always be there but how I respond to them is changing.

All that waffling though I still have those moments where life really is just too fucking hard and I want to eat a block of chocolate and cry. I hate the world and everyone in it. I want to run.

I'm only human.


Some days seem so boringly normal.
Time passes and then wham it all feels raw again.
New, fresh, painful all over again.
What is that? Am I trapped in this grief? Am I doing this to myself?
No time now, just needed to get it out.
Back later...