Thursday, April 15, 2010

Whirlpools of funk

Absolutely nothing wise, wonderful, beautiful or profound to say.
I'm stuck in a rut. A funk. A mess. A whirlpool.

My eyes are going to fall out of my head it seems. I'm tired. Oh so tired.
Tired enough to burst into tears at the doctors over a simple piece of paper.

I sleep, I can't sleep. Am I sleeping? It's filled with dreams and nightmares and terror.
It sucks and I hate to be like this. I don't want to be this grouchy person ALL of the time.

I just feel like I can't catch my breath. I'm running myself into the ground and it's all coming from my head. Manifesting into other things. I don't know how much longer before I'm buried under it all and I crash.

I'm irritated and angry but I'm working on that, well actually I'm more breathing it out and ignoring the reasons for it. I can't deal with that right now. Another time. Another life. Oh what? We only get one?

Blergh. Totally sums it up without using profanities.

*Random thought #1- All of your pictures look different to me now. You don't look beautiful anymore. You look sad and tired. Pained. That crushes me. Were you feeling that way? The photos of me, you, all of them look different. Wrong somehow. The beauty seems lost. I can't look anymore. Even as I resist the urge to take them away my heart aches. I know even if you aren't on the wall you'll make my heart ache, so why is it so hard to look at you? I need a break.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Words can mean so much more

As inspired by Still Life's Mid Month April Challenge I've been thinking about all those well meaning and not so well meaning comments I've had thrown at me by a whole variety of people. I thought I'd put them here so I don't lose them in the abyss that is my mind. Not that you forget some of these. I'm also sharing how words can sometimes be so so wrong.
I'm still processing what to do for this challenge, so I'm brainstorming here. Better get to it, I'm running out of time!
  • At least you've had two other children
  • You have two other children to worry about
  • At least it wasn't your first baby
  • You gave her everything you could
  • You made the best decisions at the time
  • You were lucky
  • It was meant to be
  • She's an angel now
  • It was her path, her journey
  • She was teaching you
  • She'll always be in your heart
  • I'm sorry
  • You'll have this burden to carry for the rest of your life
  • I know it hurts, I understand
  • Have you thought about surrogacy/freezing your eggs?
  • You can always find out about surrogacy
  • Where's your baby?
  • Did you have your baby yet?
  • Was it because you had a homebirth?
What sort of things have people said to you?

Friday, April 2, 2010

Nothing today

Today I am nothing
I am not sad
I am not happy
I am not tired
I am not awake either

18 months already, where did that time go?
It seems the longer it's been the harder I fight to remember
I panic about losing you from my soul
my heart
my mind
I see the blurry images in my sleep
I hear the silence
I feel the confusion
I wake and it's all the same

I see women walking down the street and I wonder if they too know this kind of pain
I hear of terror and pain and loss
I feel guilty for hanging on to you
but I cannot let you go

I know you are not here nor there but I cannot let you go
I am your mother
you are my daughter

I am not inspired
I am not inspirational
I am nothing today

Random Thought #1 I am not strong or brave. The alternative to that is not to be here. I can't do that. So I am strong. I am brave???