Distance

I never believed people when they shared the usual cliched sayings about time, time passing and time healing. I'm not sure I believe them anymore than I did when they said it to me the first time but I can't deny the fact that yes, time continues to pass and if you're still breathing then you continue to breathe, albeit with a struggle sometimes and suddenly it's 3 years down the grief and loss path.
I feel like this is going to turn into some kind of confession. Out of guilt. Or perhaps this is just a new kind of processing. Is it still called grief after so much time has passed? Is that acceptable?
It all is. Is what you want or need it to be.

I look back over the past year and I feel like there was very little of her in it.
This makes me feel guilty.
Like the addiction to melancholy.
The addiction to sadness.
It is less and less and I am happy.

I've had some fairly big upheaval in my life over the past twelve months and there has been quite a lot of happiness and love for myself. This in itself is fucking huge progress yet there's this lurking guilt that pounces. That moment when you fleetingly think of her. Think of her life and realise you've been so busy living, you feel like she's not there within your grasp.
That she's so far away. So far in the past. I always wondered if I'd ever feel normal again. Secretly hoping that I would be happy.

However I do not want to reach too far into the darkness to find her for fear of getting lost in it.
Is this what living feels like? Accepting loss. Accepting that it's okay to love and laugh. To smile. To feel joy.
To be free of the dark.

I do still struggle with the internal negative voice. Sad girl. She's still hidden in there somewhere. She speaks out if I let her. I know she's always going to be a part of me. She is me. I am her. I will not give her that freedom though. I do acknowledge the thoughts, struggle with them and over think them.

Having met someone, unexpected yet wonderful has been like a whirlwind. I find myself sabotaging it. Thinking of reasons it's not ever going to work for me. Fueling the negative sad girl. Giving her reason to stomp on my heart.

I will work on her. I will continue to laugh, smile, love and live. I will.

History

I do not know where to begin.

There were fleeting moments recently where all I could feel was how distant it all seems.
How I sometimes feel like I need to fight to keep the memories close, yet knowing deeply that they do not need to be so close to the surface anymore.
It's okay.
It really really is.

I am amazed that I'm here.
The wounds of loss to not burst open. The raw edges do not burn into my heart. The very core of me.

I feel whole.
I feel human.
I feel.

The directions in this journey have been varied but here I am. Still.

She is not less.
I am not less.

We are still real.
Still a story.
Still a part of my history.
This is key.
It's past.
It is not present.
It no longer needs to be first.
The pain.
The grief.
The guilt.
They do not define me.

I am seeing the world with brand new eyes.

Bound

I want to let it out

I want to write
To flow
To be empty of the swirling thoughts
The never ending buzz in my mind
The restlessness

It won't come

It just swirls and swirls
Violently
Crashing and thrashing from side to side
Fighting for space
Room to breathe
With no release

Neglected Blog=Another Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Image

Today I simply glanced at a picture of you and the walls came crumbling down.
It's difficult to explain why.
I've recently put quite a few photos away.
I just didn't want to look at them for a while.
I needed a rest from that lingering wonder.

The smells
The sounds
The feelings
All of the things that go with the memory of you.

Out of sight but it seems you are never out of my mind.
A single photo broke my carefully placed walls.
Opened that neatly closed little box.

A single photo. Photographic evidence of a precious life fading. Of a life that no longer exists.
Of a love that is in question.
Of a time and a place that can only be a memory.

Some days those moments seem so far away.
I think I believed I was really heading in a positive direction and then something rattles your confidence and you're left to rebuild all over again.

I'm tired of rebuilding.

Follow that sign?

I'm struggling to wait
To be patient
To hold the space for you
To keep giving
To be unsure of what it is I'm holding on to
What will be left when the decisions are made?
When you let me go? Will you let me go?
Do we start over?
Do we walk away?

What direction are we going in?
I thought it was clear
I was feeling again
Now it feels like I'm the only one who was moving forward
Into the future

I was certain
Now it's a struggle to get through each day and I never wanted to feel like that again
Those were horrible dark places
Places that suck everything you have right from the very core of you

I don't want to pretend either
Pretend that I'm okay with this realisation
That the past 10 years are now floating above me in question
The next ten seem so unclear

Did we waste them?
Did I not do enough?
Am I not trying hard enough?
Is this a wasted effort?

This is your shit, not mine but I'm here hoping
Holding on
Hurting
Waiting

Fading into the hurt
The negativity
The self doubt I've been fighting to control all my life
To get back what was taken from me over and over again