Thursday, October 28, 2010

Fell off the wagon


A combination of
lack of sleep
and life

all threw me off the wagon. I'm a blogger failure. Oh well.

I'm sure you really didn't miss anything amazing or wonderful or would have really learnt anything new.

Every time I sat down to blog, a million emails needed replying to, bills to be paid, houses to be looked at, removal quotes to be filled out and future schools to be looked at. Occupied much.

Every time I sat at the desk to blog all I wanted to say was how empty my arms feel.
How hollow my body feels without my womb.
How dead my baby is.
How I stretch the memories so far and wonder what she'd look like now that it hurts my head.

I've discovered how tired it makes you to change masks all day long.

Work cheery nurse mask
Mother mask
Partner/Lover mask
Dead baby mask
Healthy eating/ exercise mask
Fat Ugly want to eat chocolate all day mask
Keeping it together/I'm totally fine mask
Total mess mask
It was meant to be mask
Why me? mask
Accepting of my womb less-ness mask
Painful desire to hold another baby of my own mask

I can't keep up.
I can't talk about it.
I can't bring myself to say the words.
Help me. I'm drowning.
I can't just be.
Am I fighting too hard?
Am I not fighting at all?


  1. My heart aches for you beautiful woman. Love to you doesn't seem enough.

  2. It is such a hard hard place to be. Is there any consolation in saying you are not alone? I recognise all those thoughts. I am much to familiar with them. And I wonder, on a good day (moment), am I just resigned to everything now because it certainly doesn't feel like acceptance.

    You aren't alone, but that is all I can offer

  3. (((hugs))) That drowning feeling is so hard to live with - I'm sorry that's where you are right now.

    "I can't just be."
    I kind of wonder if frantically changing into appropriate masks is "just being". What if the struggling with emotions that are so difficult and a myriad of responsibilities is "just being" while working through grief? Can anyone feel genuine and natural while missing their child and dealing with the loss of their womb?

    Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

  4. I guess just acknowledging those "masks" is being. It's all just wading through the grief, isn't it? Sometimes you just get so lost in the moment. It's hard to find your way out.