Ebb and Flow

Full Moon Saturday 9th May 2009

The weather is cold and miserable and I feel about the same. My emotions feel so out of control and extreme today. It is a full moon. I guess it's to be expected. I'm just having so many feelings rushing through me, I feel like I'm going to burst.

I'm not big on the whole Mother's Day consumer rubbish but for some reason I'm feeling a little flat that this year I should have been celebrating our first mothers day with Yuna. I should have been woken up far too early, bleary eyed and looked down to see our chubby 7 month old girl staring back at me. Instead I'm left looking at her photos and a jar full of ashes dreaming about what might have been. That is not how I thought I'd ever have to spend a mothers day, any day for that matter.

I just haven't been able to stem the flow of tears today. Everything hurts far too much. I'm so tired of this ride. I want it to stop, just for a moment.

I'm supposed to be organising a family trip to Sydney in October but I jut keep putting it off, as if it wont ever be October. I am terrified. 

It's been day to day for so long and you almost don't realise that time is passing and passing far too quickly. Well you do realise, it's always present somewhere in your mind. 

I just never imagined that I'd be anticipating the twelve months since my daughters birth and death. Not one whole year, look how big she's grown. I know it's only been seven months but the thought of October looming makes me want to vomit. I guess the anticipation is far worse than the day itself? 

I just wonder sometimes how I keep going. I guess the same way I managed every other day. How I managed to survive even though I willed myself to die after she was born and yet here I am. You just do. You wake up every morning and the nightmare still exists. You feel the fire constantly breathing down your neck. The darkness always one step away. The claws scratching at your soul.

I've come to realise now there are so many women and men that know the pain of losing a child yet despite this knowledge and access to this sometimes secret society I'm left speechless and shocked by it, time and time again.

I watched a montage of a couple's baby daughter who was stillborn and through the tears all I could think was that no one should ever have to place their baby into a coffin. No one should ever have to feel that pain. Yet many of us do. Those are the images that rip me open to the core. Twist my insides and shatter my heart into a million pieces. I never knew you could physically feel your heart break, yet I'm left feeling rattled at the numerous times I've felt it over the past few months. It never feels any less painful. 

That blow is never any easier to take.