Saturday, May 1, 2010


I'm sure it's the presence of the moon that sucks me into this deep dark vortex. I just can't seem to cope with anything. Everything is hard, breathing is hard.

I miss you. I miss us.

Perhaps it's the energy it takes to support another woman to birth her baby. It takes me so far back. Back to when life was beautiful. Back to when you existed.

I love it but it's just so painful too. Yet the good seems to outweigh the bad so far. So I forge on. I love and support. I nurture and cherish all while wondering where it all went wrong.

Another woman will be giving birth in the same pool I did. It's so bittersweet.

That's not where I wanted to go with this post though...

Actually I've no idea what I needed to get out.

I'm confused about relationships, about friends or complete lack thereof. Confused about decisions, about choices. About me.

Lots of flashbacks, nightmares and dark moods the past few weeks. I'm struggling to keep afloat I think.
Feeling a lot of guilt but at the same time just wanting to move so far forward it's impossible.
Denial? I skipped that one. I want to just forget. That sounds so selfish.

Something crafty...

I painted a little case with a leather handle today to put Yuna's blanket and a few pieces of her clothes she wore in. I have them sitting in the cupboard in a plastic bag. It's knotted so tightly closed just in case the smell disappears.

My head screams every time I see them. It seems wrong to just have them shoved in the cupboard. They need a place too. It's all I have left of hers that needs to be put somewhere.

After that there's nothing.

That last sentence echoes in my head all night.

1 comment:

  1. hi hun, i have harveys dirty clothes in a pillowcase and i hug it when i need to be close to him, it also smells of him still and i too am frightened that one day the smell will fade. i have the rest of his clothes in the hall cupboard in vacuum suction bags and am looking for a trunk to put his treasured memory keepsakes in. the case you painted sounds beautiful, as much as it sucks that it is all you have. i truly understand how hard that is, big hugs, anne xxx