Saturday, May 22, 2010

Floating

I am floating
without boundaries
making sense of it all
letting go
adjusting
figuring it out
wishing
hoping

I can't put my finger on what I'm feeling right now.
A little bit sad, a little bit lost and a little bit numb...

I do know I'm just floating through it. Letting whatever it is take it's course.
I wish I understood more or perhaps had more of a faith to place it on. To blame. To understand.
Thus the lack of boundaries with all of this.

If anything grief is about winging it. You just do it however it comes. I've never been to a support group, really haven't had intense therapy. I just process piece by piece. Maybe that's the problem?

I'm not angry so much. My daughter died. It's a fact. There's no point being angry at myself or anyone else. It just is. It hurts like hell but it's fact too.

A great portion of this journey has been me figuring out who I am. Wow that sounds so cliché! But truly. I am such a different person, well I WAS such a different person when I was pregnant and preparing for Yuna's birth. Or maybe it's all in my head and I still AM that person?

It really was transformation and now I'm not sure where or who I am. What that transformation was, if it's relevant to me now or what I've learnt from it.
Or more to the point what I want. What I need from all this.
I can't just keep being that woman who had a baby and that baby died. Now that said woman is, well she's just sad.

2 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about finding who you are, and not wanting to keep being that woman whose baby died... it is exhausting. I hope you find peace in the new place grief has taken you. Thinking of you and sending all my love

    XX

    ReplyDelete