Thursday, April 30, 2009


I wish I wasn't so emotionally blergh. I don't even know how to describe it. Stunted? Dead? Numb?
I wish just for once I could say how I really feel and mean it. Feel it, show it.
Even those closest to me have no idea. I'm good at this block. It's like I have a pre-recorded response to all these questions. Yet inside I'm crushed, broken, hurting and crying. No one can see that. Perhaps they do and just pretend as much as I do.

Why is it so hard for me to express the pain I'm really living. I don't want to keep playing that recorded response over and over. I don't want to say I'm fine when I'm not.

Blergh, that sums it up.

How to overcome this feeling? Perhaps it's more appropriate to say I'm okay than to fall in a heap on the floor and cry. Who knows what's appropriate.

We tend to rationalise life and it's events. An old woman dies, well she lived a long life or she's not suffering anymore. How do you do that with the death of your child? You can't. There is nothing I can say to make those words "My daughter died" any less painful.

They say time heals. I think time just keeps moving. It doesn't heal, it just continues on around you. Eventually you take another step and once again move along with time. We don't heal, we keep living. Or should I say, we keep breathing...

I'm not living. One day my soul will blossom and I'll learn to live again.

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