Wednesday, April 29, 2009

More random journal entries

Hmm I've just realised nothing I write is dated.
I do know I wrote this on Anzac Day though.

A bit of background first. Both my grandmother and grandfather are deceased. I was very close to them during my childhood years. I then moved interstate and saw very little of my nan, although I sent photos and cards and letters often. She had always hoped I'd one day have a daughter. My grandmother's name is Jane. 

My daughter was born on my Grandmother's Birthday! The 2nd of October. She would have been so chuffed at that. Exactly four weeks after my daughter's birth, on the 2nd of November my grandmother died and joined my daughter. I just cannot help but wonder about that connection.

I always wonder if my grandmother knew about Yuna? Did she know she was born. Did she know she looked just like me? Did Yuna take comfort in my grandmother like I did? Some thing's we'll never know. Perhaps they are together now.

Flashbacks seem to be intensifying. Maybe it's some kind of emotional preservation. The more time passes the more doorways and memories are unlocked. I don't like seeing all of it replaying behind my eyelids. Sometimes I'd like to take a break from this. Just for a moment. Some peace.

One that's been coming to me a lot lately is that very moment just before Yuna was born.  I felt like time ceased to exist. I felt like I couldn't go on. It was surreal, powerful and intense.

I seemed to come out of it and remember clearly looking down at my belly and talking to her. Just like I'd done for months before. 

There was a deep connection, an understanding, a knowing. We pushed on and somewhere deep within I gained an overwhelming power. The power to get through the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks.
Maybe that was it. Maybe that was the moment. It ended there? 
That was the moment we were one. The last time I was truly connected to her. The last time I'd have her with me.

She was gone before she was here. 
Her spirit was always here and always will linger upon the Earth.

She had a purpose, a lesson. 
My path now is to gain that understanding. One day...

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