Ribbons

When does this story end?

Maybe it never ends

It will always be layered underneath all my future stories

She is my story

I am her story

Like a ribbon

Gently but tightly weaved all throughout my life

Entwined within my very soul

She holds me together

She tears me apart at the very seams

Pulling me in every direction

Emotional turmoil

Our story strung together with ribbons of

Joy

Pain

Love

Loss

Hope

Health Goals Part 2

Errr well I've been a bit slack on the health goals posting. No one really noticed though, did you?

Today I had a very intense, no nonsense, let's get to the point and past this garbage therapy session today.

I despise that word. Therapy. It's not therapy. She's not even a psych. She's a VERY alternative social worker. Anyway...

I've been participating in a women's group for the past 6 weeks. This week was our last group. So today was our first session together for many months. I've been plodding along nicely and haven't felt the need to really book in and see her. When the group finished though I decided I'd like to really do some more work with her. There's been something massive I've been avoiding. She knew that, I knew that.

So today it began.

This isn't baby loss related. This is another form of trauma that I've been hanging on to for a good 10 years. Never taken out of the box. Just left lying dormant for one day when I was strong enough to grab it head on and remove it completely from my life. It took losing a whole lot more for me to be able to do this. Funny how grief and loss puts these things into perspective.

Despite being absolutely exhausted I feel lighter. I feel like this is going to be good. Painful and intense and raw but so good.

Uhh so back to the health goals...

• I'm mentally processing the garbage
• I'm seeing my GP next week with the support of my Social Worker to make a plan of action
• I'm drinking plenty of water
• I'm eating a little better but still could do with some improvement
• I rang the Kickboxing trainer and I'm doing my first class on Saturday morning
• I'm taking Billy Goat Plum Essence for my self image issues

How's your week going?

The Sketchbook Project

This year I'm trying to express more in a creative way.
I love art. I love to create.
I'm also trying to let go of the "I can't do that and it looks crap" voice.

I was so excited to have been reading Curls O Fred's blog and found this project.

I'm terrified and inspired by all the beautiful talented artists but I'm going to jump right in and give it a go. If anything it's not about their art and how silly mine might look amongst theirs.
It's about my process. My journey. My sketchbook.

Finding my way. My style.

So yeah I'm a sucker for a big project. Just the word "project" makes me want to be involved. It's also a really good excuse to buy some new pens and paper. Art supplies make me happy.

I love watercolour but I'm not entirely sure how to achieve greatness. I also recently discovered a love of fine liner pens. I've got lots of experimenting to do.

My sketchbook, I'm thinking will be a combination of drawing, watercolour, collage and written word. I'll post about the theme when my book arrives.

In the meantime check out The Sketchbook Project and get yourself involved.

You died today

You died today

Not now but a while ago

You let go but it seems I did not

Your eyes closed

Your cheeks grew cold and you just stopped

In the dead of the night

How appropriate it is

I knew it was coming, yet that feeling

The spinning out of control feeling that washes over you

The fog

The heaviness that holds you, yet your feet do not seem to touch the ground

The numbness

The process

The tick- tock

I fussed

I tried not to cry all over you

Too aware everyone was watching me

I fixed your clothes and wrapped you tightly knowing that you wouldn't get out anyway

I kissed your hair

I touched your skin

I looked at you closely

Hoping I'd remember you

I held you for a while but returned you to a foreign place

The smells

The sounds

The lights

It wasn't peaceful anymore

Maybe it was for you

For me it was calm with you in my arms even if you were cold

You died today

and I am still sitting here

trying to remember you

Let me be

You seem so far away

Time and space do not exist anymore

I cannot reach you

I cannot hear you

I cannot touch you

I cannot feel you

You seem so far away

I am so far away from you

So lost

If I cannot touch you, I do not want to be touched

If I cannot reach you, I do not want to be reached

If I cannot hear you, I do not want to be heard

Let my tears be silent

Let my heart be locked

Let me be with you for I am nothing without you

A head full of garbage

I'm so awesome at keeping my shit in order.

You know the mental shit we continue to store in our never ending head space?

This week it's a garbled mess of short fuses and broken connections.

I'm not sure why.

It's irritating.

I irritate myself.

Everyone around me is irritating.

The word irritate is irritating.

Get the picture?

There's definitely something lurking there.

Either I'm subconsciously ignoring it and choosing to be cranky at the world instead or I'm going insane.

I guess I already knew both of those options were likely.

I think it may have something to do with going back to paid work for the first time since I was pregnant with Yuna.

I'm a nurse. I work in a hospital.

Not my most favourite place in the world. Lots of history. Lots of memories surface for me.

I coped. Well that's the key isn't it. Coping?

I think though it may have been more of a "put yourself on autopilot, do the job and not think about anything too emotional or you might lose it" mode.

Which in turn has left me feeling like I don't know how I'm feeling at all.

In two months it will be two years since Yuna was born. Saying that and acknowledging that fact seems to create that deep empty black vortex in my chest. The one I've managed to patch closed without too much spilling out.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information either.

It would have been her birthday.

It will be her birthday?

I don't know how to approach that this year.

Last year, the first year was a blur. We did things for her but it wasn't felt.

We just did what we thought we should have done.

Like robots.

This year it's all just a big ???? for me.