Friday, April 2, 2010

Nothing today

Today I am nothing
I am not sad
I am not happy
I am not tired
I am not awake either

18 months already, where did that time go?
It seems the longer it's been the harder I fight to remember
I panic about losing you from my soul
my heart
my mind
I see the blurry images in my sleep
I hear the silence
I feel the confusion
I wake and it's all the same

I see women walking down the street and I wonder if they too know this kind of pain
I hear of terror and pain and loss
I feel guilty for hanging on to you
but I cannot let you go

I know you are not here nor there but I cannot let you go
I am your mother
you are my daughter

I am not inspired
I am not inspirational
I am nothing today

Random Thought #1 I am not strong or brave. The alternative to that is not to be here. I can't do that. So I am strong. I am brave???


  1. Oh Carly. You just get it. I'm so sad you get it :(
    xx Love, Jo

  2. i can so relate to this! spring is bittersweet for me...all the new life and i don't have a new life in my arms. it's been nearly ten months since losing xavier. i hold on to him because i'm afraid that if i forget he will have never been. i'm afraid i'm the only one who remembers. i'm glad you wrote this! *HUGS*