Me: Uhhh well I'm studying again this year, parenting albeit in a somewhat crappy less than full capacity function, breathing...
And so it begins. The racing thoughts, the panic, the wonder. What am I doing? What is this life. Where am I going. My baby died.
Yeah get over it already? Move along nothing to see here.
Just a woman tangled in death.
A woman who cannot look in the mirror for too long.
A woman who cannot feel happiness for someone she should.
A woman who cannot let her partner near.
A woman who cannot bear to show the world how broken she feels.
Is this me?
The thought process and reality of grief and death are two very different things. I can think something but act/feel so different. Logic cannot undo sorrow or fear. Really, I try every waking moment. To be rational and logical. That sorrow still wins. It's that constant thud of my heart. The wet tear on my cheek.
It's more of an ache now. I'll be honest. Sometimes it's raw and intense but more often than not it's that dull ache in the background. It's heavy. Although saying it like that doesn't quite add up to the reality of the feeling. It IS more than that. Isn't it? What SHOULD it be?
I parted with the baby clothes today. Sent them on their way. It sucked. Really sucked. I managed to do it in a way that didn't really hit the nerve directly. It's just sitting there in my chest all heavy waiting for something else to crack it open.