So as far as updates go. I don't know whether 2008-2009 were just really really shit years as far as life goes but this year 2010 seems like it's going to be something better. I can't put my finger on it but I've just felt a shift. That doesn't mean to say I didn't spend most of the afternoon yesterday crying and feeling like crap. Hey that's the wheel isn't it? But this year is different. It doesn't take as long to crawl out of the hole.
I literally in my body feel lighter. To some extent...
I'm not all fluffy and embracing life with a smile. That's just not me. I know that. I'd be fooling myself if I were to believe that!
A little insight into me. I don't really have a religion or faith of any description. I am drawn to many different spiritual paths. I do however feel very drawn to cards. Be it Tarot or Angel cards. It depends on my moods. I don't do them all the time either. Only when I feel the urge to pull them off the shelf. It's quite random. I also know whatever gets you through, is all that matters. Some people pray, some people go to church. Whatever gives you that tiny little bit of peace or hope. Whatever.
I wish I had a picture of the card I pulled tonight to show you. It's Toni Carmine Salerno's work anyway. I'm particularly drawn to his work. I sprawled out on the bed tonight and just lay there thinking about my little girl. How I wished I could be near her again. And I pulled the Archangel Azrael card of Completion. I've played with this deck a million times and I've never seen this card before. It's of a girl with the most piercing blue eyes and dark hair. She reminds me of Yuna. It caught my breath. She's surrounded in a veil of stars. On a side note Azrael means "Whom God Helps". In Islam Azrael is known as the angel of death. Azrael's primary role is to help souls cross over and comfort those grieving.
So the card description talks about grief being a natural emotion and the cycles of life and death. About honoring our feelings of what we've lost but to not lose sight of the bigger picture. To remember that this is a cycle. That our loved ones are where they are meant to be.
Remembering not to get stuck on the wheel of grief. Acceptance...
It's exactly the feelings I've been discovering within myself but fighting so hard to suppress. Because acceptance feels like forgetting. Acceptance and letting go are hard. I do feel it's lighter these days. Maybe not always but definitely something has shifted and I'm moving into a new place. It's beyond my control. I thought I'd control this. I don't want to be stuck here in this pain and guilt but something is pushing me out of it whether I like it or not.
I know deep down that I'll never forget her or the journey I've been on. It's my life but I'm also learning that it doesn't have to be painful all of the time.
I hurt but I also love.
I guess you realise that when you walk through a crowd and nobody knows you or your story. It's only what's inside you that really counts. I felt like I wanted to scream at everyone, tell them how sad I am, how ripped off I felt. Explain to them with the tears how I had a baby and she died. I never did this but I wanted to. I still have those moments. I'm sure they'll always be there but how I respond to them is changing.
All that waffling though I still have those moments where life really is just too fucking hard and I want to eat a block of chocolate and cry. I hate the world and everyone in it. I want to run.
I'm only human.