I'm not sure where this will end up. Or even if I'm coherent. I am after all dying of the common cold. These may be my last words...
Amazing how I've been in a severely worse condition, yet the common cold is a death sentence. I can laugh and joke about dying, I've got the dead baby.
I find the most random thoughts take on a whole new level of deep. Deep became my life after Yuna. Everything was "deep" and significant. I'm not sure why.
Today I can see just a glimmer of the path I've walked the past year. I've become this person. Or was I always that person? I'm just more defined? I'm not sure. When your baby dies you take on some kind of superhuman strength. I know it never really feels that way but yet we survive. I am slowly learning who I am again. What I love. What I hate. The things that make me, well me. I'm seeing her now. Only just.
My connection to B has moved in and out with the tide. We have managed the past 17 months to just be with each other. We take our relationship as it is. No pressure to force ourselves to be something we're not. Which brings me to communication. I'm very much in my head all of the time. So when it comes to communicating with other people, well I'm exhausted and don't want to talk anymore. Highly unproductive. Yet he lets me just be. We'll reconnect eventually.
On to business...
The response came in relation to my complaint against the hospital and the way they treated me. A whole lotta issues there. In fact I think it was about 4 pages worth of dot points.
So in short.
"I'm a lying offensive radical who should be grateful that I'm alive. Oh but we value your feedback and sincere condolences for your loss."
Random Thought #1 She wasn't a loss. She was a person and she had a fucking name arsehole.
Random Thought #2 Maybe I should just let this go.
Random Thought #3 I don't want to give up, just like that. This isn't fair.
Random Though #4 I am NOT grateful you "saved" me. No I will not thank you for that.
Random Thought #5 I want all this to be over. I want to be able to just miss you. To miss you without all the baggage. Without all the paperwork, investigations, complaints and stress.
Random Thought #6 I want to buy you flowers and just miss you.
Random Thought #7 PTSD fucking sucks
Random Thought #8 Your brothers are missing out on so much without you.
Random Thought #9 I miss you
What a collection I had brewing.