Thursday, December 17, 2009

Still here

I find that no matter how much time passes I'm still in a relative state of shock.
The shock, the raw feelings that surface when I look back on what I've endured, enduring...

The shock, the trauma. The reality that I carried my baby for nearly 10 months and gave birth. A very significant event in any woman's life. I had a daughter, a baby. Then like a dream it was gone again. It didn't feel real. It's all still so unreal. Like a hazy dream. Or nightmare?

A painful raw open wound that just wont heal. It stings every time you touch it. The raw edges like fire, burning further and further into my soul. Nothing heals that kind of hurt.

There seems to be a whole lot of anger. Anger going nowhere, aimed at no-one. Just being carried upon my shoulders, along with everything else.

The sting of hurt every time I remember the two contrasts of my life then and my life now. It's hard to swallow. Like two completely different worlds, one full of colours and the other a dreary grey. I'm two different people. The woman, goddess, mother before Yuna and just me now. I don't know where I'm going if anywhere at all.
The sting of the happy homebirth planning, the dreams of toast and celebration after the arrival of our new baby. How did it disappear so fast?

I'll question and guilt myself over every decision, every tiny detail, every minute but I know it still doesn't change anything. I'm just lost in a web of empty answers. Dead ends. Confusion.

The cycle of grief is never ending. It just jumps from one pain to another. People just occupy themselves with life but never really heal. It doesn't get better with time. Life just creeps back in around you and you have no choice but to pick up the pieces.
Sink or swim?
It angers those around me when I express how much I'd wished I hadn't survived. I desperately didn't want to wake up after Yuna was born. I knew that then and I know that now.
Isn't it selfish for them to want me? Selfish for them to need me?
If they'd felt what I felt, heard what I'd heard and seen it through my eyes, they too would have begged like I did, to not recover from this. But here I am. Alone in my thoughts, in my head. Wondering what happened. Wondering how it could have been different. Wondering...
Questioning life itself.

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