It's difficult not to be sucked in by the Christmas propaganda. Really it's everywhere. I'm not normally one to "deck the halls" and be "merry" or become overly nostalgic about the year and family I never see or hear from. But it seems that these times make you feel a little worse for wear. Is it the idea that everyone should be joyful and loving and celebrating their lives with one another? Meh. I don't know. What I do know is, I'm sad. Yep just a general sad. Sad that Yuna's not here. Sad that she's not alive. Sad that I can't make her a dress to wear, make her all the beautiful toys I know she'd love to play with. In reality I do know that my attitude toward Christmas or Giftmas wouldn't have really changed all that much if she were here but it still feels empty. Something missing.
I think it's the fake joy. I don't want to pretend just for the sake of a day that means nothing to me anyway.
We do giftmas for the boys. It's about them too. They deserve joy and love but I also feel that the sadness around their sister should be just as acknowledged as the rest of it.
The gifts, the food, the fake joy.
But what to acknowledge? How? When? I always struggle with what's appropriate. I guess it shouldn't matter. But I'm kind of in-between with how I'm feeling right now, so that makes how I'm feeling more confusing. I'm angry at the whole situation. I know it will pass but for now I'm just going with it. Letting it settle and then I'll work with it.
Last giftmas I had only been out of hospital a few weeks, Yuna had only been dead two months. So it was all a bit of a whirlwind. We spent too much on the kids, trying to compensate for such a shitty few months. Shitty doesn't even cover it but you know what I mean. I was still in a state of shock so nothing really went beyond the surface. We just went with the tide. Trying not to drown in it.
Then this year it's been long enough to have felt real emotions. To know what's missing. Long enough for the family to have distanced themselves. It's been long enough to realise that I'm going to have a life full of occasions, events, celebrations, birthdays that she wont be here for. I'll always feel like something is missing. I'll always miss her and be sad that I can't be her mama but how to put it into perspective? How to not drown in the overwhelming sadness? How to not be sucked in by all the crap?