Image

Today I simply glanced at a picture of you and the walls came crumbling down.
It's difficult to explain why.
I've recently put quite a few photos away.
I just didn't want to look at them for a while.
I needed a rest from that lingering wonder.

The smells
The sounds
The feelings
All of the things that go with the memory of you.

Out of sight but it seems you are never out of my mind.
A single photo broke my carefully placed walls.
Opened that neatly closed little box.

A single photo. Photographic evidence of a precious life fading. Of a life that no longer exists.
Of a love that is in question.
Of a time and a place that can only be a memory.

Some days those moments seem so far away.
I think I believed I was really heading in a positive direction and then something rattles your confidence and you're left to rebuild all over again.

I'm tired of rebuilding.

Follow that sign?

I'm struggling to wait
To be patient
To hold the space for you
To keep giving
To be unsure of what it is I'm holding on to
What will be left when the decisions are made?
When you let me go? Will you let me go?
Do we start over?
Do we walk away?

What direction are we going in?
I thought it was clear
I was feeling again
Now it feels like I'm the only one who was moving forward
Into the future

I was certain
Now it's a struggle to get through each day and I never wanted to feel like that again
Those were horrible dark places
Places that suck everything you have right from the very core of you

I don't want to pretend either
Pretend that I'm okay with this realisation
That the past 10 years are now floating above me in question
The next ten seem so unclear

Did we waste them?
Did I not do enough?
Am I not trying hard enough?
Is this a wasted effort?

This is your shit, not mine but I'm here hoping
Holding on
Hurting
Waiting

Fading into the hurt
The negativity
The self doubt I've been fighting to control all my life
To get back what was taken from me over and over again

Two broken halves

How long do you think we can pretend?
How long can passion and ignorance sustain this?
What is this we're doing and for who?
It is awkward and always present at the forefront of my thoughts

How long can you give it your all but not receive anything back?
How long before you fade out
Before you are swallowed up by the resent
The hurt

Nothing is real
Nothing makes sense
Nothing
Nothing at all

I'm not sure this I can survive
I'm not sure this I can do forever
I'm not sure anymore

My world is feeling very empty even with you here
You are not present
You are half and I am half but we are not whole