Storm

How long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

Birth Story Presentation

This is what I presented at the ACM Conference on the Gold Coast to Midwives and mothers from all over Australia. Many of the midwives from the hospital where our journey took place had the opportunity to reflect on their care. The focus of the conference was about Change in Midwifery care. I hoped to spark thought, reflection and understanding in midwives and how they care, support and nurture women.

~A Birth Story~

In the spring of 2008 I was preparing for the birth of our 3^rd child.

I’d experienced 2 traumatic Cesarean births before that so this pregnancy, although a complete surprise was an opportunity for me to learn, to adjust and to discover what it was I really wanted, needed and believed in.

We all have the story of how we became so birth obsessed or passionate as we’d prefer to call it. This journey through pregnancy was mine.

It was about understanding birth for what it was. Understanding what works and doesn’t work. Understanding who’ll support you to achieve those things.

When I knew I would potentially be presenting my birth story I wondered how on earth women as passionate as ourselves could possibly put such an intimate, powerful, life changing event as birth into a few minutes, when we really want to describe every detail from poo scooping, amazing stretching vagina's to the first breath of a child.

So I wont drag this out for hours, I’ll try to put those 12 amazing intense life changing hours into a few minutes.

It’s epic. All birth is.

It doesn’t matter where, who, why or how the birth unfolds it’s the experience we take away from that. For everyone involved.

Most of us here understand that a birth story is not simply the announcement of a new baby. It long lasting.

So for me this is my story.

It’s about sisterhood.

It’s about sharing.

It’s about honesty and passion.

It’s about the choices we make.

It’s about caring and understanding

It’s about being with woman no matter how a woman finds herself in your care

It’s about life and it’s about death.

The Birth

Both my previous labours we 36 hours plus and posterior. I was prepared for that again although strongly hoping it wasn’t going to be the case!

I had two very active boys. An 18 month old, a 6 year old and was 42 weeks pregnant on the school holidays. I’d take posterior labour over that any day!

Labour began with the usual niggles here and there, a general discomfort. Like most we put it down to being huge and uncomfortable. After a day at the beach with my doula I headed home for some raspberry tea and dinner. By the afternoon the contractions were gaining and I thought perhaps we’d better get the pool filled.

I remember that feeling of excitement. Something I had never experienced with other labours. I was prepared. I was comfortable at home and life carried on around me as normal. This included many episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine. There was no rushing, there was no clock checking. It was life mixed in with birth. It just was.

By the time darkness fell and the children we sleeping labour continued and the pool became a new kind of heaven. I had support around me. Fanning here, water there, Bliss. Who knew birth could be this good? I certainly hadn’t expected it.

Early into the morning I decided I simply would prefer an epidural. Oh my that’s what transition is! The point where you think enough already. It’s not as simple as jumping off the treadmill though I discovered. My partner grounded me and I went back into labour land.

Not long after the begging ceased time seemed to stand still.

I focused.

I went within and I connected with my baby.

I knew I could do this. I knew my body would birth my baby.

Those moments of silence were important. Those are the moments of my connection with my baby that I’ll remember forever. Those were the last moments we had together as one.

Not long after that I remember feeling into the water to discover a “fuzzy walnut”. Oh my, a head with hair!

I’m actually having a baby! I’m really pushing a baby out of my vagina!

Time swirled. Energy flowed.

I rallied my strength and pushed out the most beautiful amazing chubby little person.

I’ll never forget reaching down to scoop up my daughter.

My only daughter, in my arms for but a second.

The Journey

My daughter wasn’t breathing when she was born.

I quickly went into shock and we transferred separately to our nearest hospital via ambulance.

I was informed that I had a potential Uterine Rupture. I’d sustained 4^th degree tears and I was potentially bleeding internally.

I was left alone without support from any of my carers and was asked to sign consent for the repairs and investigation into the uterine rupture. It was a good 45 minutes before I was wheeled into theatre.

I was quizzed by the surgeon how many other children I’d had and he decided that my uterus wasn’t needed as it wouldn’t sustain another pregnancy anyway. All this moments before being placed under general anaesthetic he informed me that he felt it was necessary to perform a hysterectomy.

I awoke briefly in recovery without a uterus, a baby or anyone that I knew.

My daughter was flown with her dad to Townsville where they were better equipped to look after my daughter.

I was left with a printed out photo and a beanie that she wore.

It was 3 or more days before I could get a RFDS flight to be in the same hospital as my daughter and my family.

It took the power of just one midwife who called persistently to explain how important it was for me to be there with my baby. It took her understanding and care to get me there.

I was extremely unwell. I spent 12 hours in Emergency waiting for a bed that was already waiting for me due to miscommunication between hospitals. It took that dedication of the same midwife to explain that no one knew if this baby was going to make it and she deserved to have her mother by her side.

This same midwife took my whole bed into the NICU so for the first time in 4 days I got to see, smell and hold my daughter. If it wasn’t for that care I may not have had that opportunity at all.

Those midwives went out of their way to ensure that our family had every opportunity to connect with our daughter. To care for her. To be her parents.

The guided us through the shock and trauma of what was meant to be a joyous birth. They offered advice, they cried and they loved her just as much as we did.

Those same midwives prepared a beautiful bath and beautiful photos. They encouraged simple yet important things like skin to skin. Things we wouldn’t or couldn’t have thought of.

They created beautiful memories in the saddest of times.

They didn’t judge our family; instead they nurtured us and cared for us as a family.

11 days later after a day in the sunshine and gardens we said goodbye to our daughter, Yuna Jane.

I guess the message I’m trying to convey by sharing this is that despite working within a system with policies and rules and guidelines there’s nothing more important than the effect you have on a family, no matter how that family came to be in your care.

I only offer this information because I’ve experienced the other side of this.

In the first couple of hours our family were judged and torn apart as a form of punishment for our birth choices in a time where life and death were critical. In a time where we needed to be together. Where we didn’t need to be told we were terrible parents and that we’d have this burden to bear for the rest of our lives.

Words and actions stick when you are experiencing trauma. They replay in your mind over and over.

You may not approve of a woman’s choice but you need to remember how you affect them. This event may leave you at your lunch break or when you return to your family but for the woman and her family it is forever.

It shapes those memories.

A Journey to a Birth

After sharing the last decade with you I thought I'd really like to share Yuna's birth with you.

A kind of completion. A letting go. A wish. A journey.

This is the very first edition of Yuna's Birth story. I wrote it a few months after she was born and died. It was healing to see it written on paper and out of my head. I still have so many different perspectives of the birth but this was my first impressions. The most important I think.

I have since rewritten it because I had to present my story at the Australian College of Midwives Conference as a member of the Maternity Coalition. I'll post this version in a separate post. It was accompanied by a slideshow which I really want to include. I'm still working out how to get it from there to here.

~Journey To A Birth~

We had arranged for just the two of us to spend the day snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef and spend the night at a hotel for DP’s birthday. We got back from our day out and had a bubble bath amongst other things before we headed out to dinner. I’d had quite a few drinks and was feeling pretty good. This was the night our third baby was conceived. I knew almost instantly but still got a surprise when I officially noticed I was pregnant. We were definitely not expecting another baby so soon! A blessing all the same.

This was an opportunity to really jump in headfirst and tackle my feelings about birth and how I had experienced birth with my other children. This pregnancy was so completely different from the other two, which were quite similar. I was also so excited to be having a spring baby. A few weeks in and I was as sick as a dog. I was prepared for such an easy ride third time around. I was in for quite a shock. I suffered hideous all day sickness and migraines that lasted well past 16 weeks. It was such a relief to be free from that.

I had decided very early on this was going to be an awesome birth. I was going to do everything I could for my baby and avoid the trauma I had experienced in my other births. I worked hard emotionally to be at a place of peace before I birthed. I looked after myself and was super excited to be welcoming another baby into our family and the opportunity to do it the right way. I was blessed to have such wonderful support.

My pregnancy this time after the initial hurdles was pretty uneventful, just the way it should be. I learnt to let go and just enjoy it. I focused on my responsibility to myself and to my growing baby without all the external influence. It was such an empowering feeling to be totally autonomous. I did my research and began to prepare for the birth. I was so in touch with my own body and my intuition. I felt so wonderful to be so close to my baby. I had always handed that over to someone else. I felt like I really knew this baby.

I eliminated negative energy from those surrounding me and just went within myself. This was my birth. It was an intense few months of accepting and taking responsibility for myself. It was difficult letting go of that medical model even though I knew it served no purpose in my life. I was so used to being in that sort of environment with work, so I gave it up. This in itself was a wonderful step.

As I neared the end of my pregnancy I was so sure this baby would be born on a full moon and my birthday, exactly 39 weeks. The same as my other two children. That day came and went. Nothing about this pregnancy was predictable.

I was so ready. I had everything from my numerous lists. I had a place for everything. DP was ready and excited. DS was thrilled he’d get to swim in the pool soon! So now it was just waiting and waiting and waiting…

I thought I was in labour at one stage but it turned out to be nothing so back to waiting. I was drinking ‘wild woman’ tea like it was going out of fashion.

I was 41+4 or 5 and the kids were driving me bonkers. DS was home on school holidays and extremely bored. I decided we should go to the beach for a play, with the intention of wearing them out completely! I met up with a friend who was also going to be at the birth for support. We let the kids run wild whilst I munched on rice crackers and looked out to sea. I had that familiar ‘cant sit still’ feeling. I was so used to waking up everyday and still being pregnant I thought I might just stay that way.

I had planned on making honey joy’s that afternoon. I was craving them, turns out I never got to make them! We headed home and just relaxed. I was wandering all over the house with butterflies in my stomach I was so excited. I had some more tea and came to the conclusion that I was definitely in labour. It was all so calm. Such a different experience. I was blown away with the feelings of excitement and achievement even before I’d really done anything. I think it was also a place of acceptance. I remember walking around the house thinking, “I’m going to have my baby here, I don’t need to go anywhere!” I was in touch with DP who said he’d be home fairly early. I chatted with the friend I’d spent the day with and she offered to come over and help set up. I am an organisational freak, truly! I had a place for everything.

It was about 4 in the afternoon when I declared myself in early labour.

She arrived and I was just so excited, almost child like. It was really happening. She started washing the pool out and I pottered around inside putting my crystals and herbs out. We put my birth posters up all around the pool, set up the couch with blankets and made the place ready for a joyous birth.

DP arrived home to see us out the front in the driveway with the pool. He looked excited! There was a real buzz in the air. My parents were looking after the kids inside and getting them ready for bed. I came inside and did some rocking between contractions. I watched the children playing around me and it all seemed so normal. This is what it’s all about. I was preparing to give birth and my children played happily around me.

DP and my father talked hoses and attachments at the sink while I sat on my ball. Things were heating up now. I have no concept of time from about this point. I was just so relaxed. I know it was dark but not late enough for the kids to be in bed. J

My salt lamp glowed and I just took it all in, breathing deeply. My friend sat near me and just watched. That’s all I needed.

I don’t remember when we started filling the pool, possibly soon after DP arrived home but I do remember it was absolute bliss and ready exactly when I needed it. Ahhhhh the joys of hot water on a heavy pregnant belly. I always thought it was a bit nutty when people said the pool is really good pain relief. Now I know why!

I was rocking along, in and out of the pool just going with it. Surrendering to birth. I was open and relaxed. DS was eager to get in with me so he gets his towel and slips in behind me with his underwater torch that flashes 3 different colours. He had a great time shining it at my bum! After he gets bored with this he goes off to bed, very content that he got to swim in the pool!

It was getting late and another friend had a pretty long drive to get to me so she was called and asked if she’d like to come.

I tried the ball, which was working in early labour, but it didn't feel right. I decided to get back in the pool and that feeling of submersion is awesome. I was a royal queen in that I had someone fanning me, placing hot towels on my back and serving me water. This was how birth was supposed to be!

I don’t know when but things started getting tough. I needed to focus.

I was tired and hot and cold and uncomfortable and these contractions take you someplace else. I spent a lot of time in the pool on my knees using the side for support. DP and my support team were really getting me through. I was getting to the point where you think what the fuck am I doing? This is insane! They held me, looked me in the eyes and gave me the reassurance I needed.

I could feel everything and my body was surrendered to powers beyond me. That was an overwhelming feeling. I know I’m probably forgetting so much but I’ll add to this I’m sure.

I felt pushy, you know that feeling of the baby moving down? You just want to grunt. I kept looking down waiting for something to happen. No mucous, no liquor, nothing. Then all of a sudden POP! It was amazing, I laughed! I never knew your waters really did pop! I glanced down to check the colour and the pool was still clear so I continued to grip the sides and try to get through it.

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that many times I said to those around me that I didn’t care anymore and wanted it to be over. The beauty of strong support people and transition.

I remember clearly for a moment stopping and just taking a deep breath it was almost like everything slowed down. I rested my head on the side of the pool and took a moment. I gathered my thoughts and said to my baby “we are doing this, c’mon lets do it” Everything then seemed to pick up the pace and I was ready. I could feel the fuzzy walnut! OMG I’m having a baby! It’s really there! Despite knowing that yes you are indeed having a baby, nothing beats that feeling!

I stayed on my knees and used one arm for support. My mother who hadn’t really planned on being there got out of bed and was so honoured to be boiling the kettle! She looked so excited. I’ll never forget that.

Then came the burning. I looked to my friend and said “ooooh it’s burning! Oh that must be the head! Oooooh! LOL it’s so funny now because it was the first time I was experiencing it for myself, not just hearing other women’s stories. Almost like being initiated into the gang!

She smiled, nodded and kept me focused.

The burning sensation ceased and I could feel a whole head with masses of soft dark hair. DP slipped into the pool at this stage to get a closer look. He whispered into my ear that it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen! I was doing it. I was really giving birth!

I was pushing hard, I couldn’t control the feeling. It felt like an eternity. Then sure enough a baby was born. I scooped HER up out of the water. I had given birth to a daughter out of my vagina! Three children and my first real birth!

A decade or so

Inspired by a few lovely blogger friends.

I hadn't really thought much about the wow factor of it being 2011. One day tends to blend into another sometimes here. It has a lot to do with survival.

I did however stop and realise that a whole decade passed and I lived it.

I did some pretty awesome things and some things were downright awful.

Those 10 years were years that made me who I am today.

Looking back it's been a massive 10 years of growth and change, wonder and life.

Lets look in more detail what I've been up to for the past decade!

I have packed most of my photos so I'll use what I can find.

Now to remember all the details...

2000

I was 16.

I was feeling very independent and grown up.

I loved school.

Had some pretty interesting friends in many different circles.

Spent a lot of time listening to Limp Bizkit, playing pool, seeing movies and going out for pizza.

Continued to do Army Cadets because there were loads of cute boys to see and I got to wear funky boots.

Went to Canberra with Cadet group sans parents and had the most amazing time.

Went to a party and met a boy.

Fell hard for said boy.

Dated boy.

Loved boy.

My grandfather died.

Taken just a few days before he died.

That was the first time I'd ever lost anyone close to me. It sucked.

Broke it off with boy because I loved him and that scared the heck out of me.

Summer came.

Ate loads of chicken schnitzel sandwiches. Drank cheap alcohol at the beach.

Listened to Powderfinger. Painted on the walls.

Met carnival folk and random tourists.

Cried till I laughed and laughed till it hurt.

Became damaged goods one summer evening.

A new year came.

2001

Loved school a little bit less.

Enjoyed the bus rides more.

Wrote long winded emotional letters to quiet friend who understood.

Developed a serious crush on a boy I'd seen around town.

Smoked pot in a cave.

Hung out in streets and playgrounds being moody, annoying teenagers.

Ate far too many dim dims and microwave chicken rolls from a petrol station across the road.

Watched boys do silly things on skateboards.

Went to my first Debutante Ball. Wore something ridiculous.

April 8th 2001.

Went to after party in hopes crush boy would turn up.

Crush boy did turn up. He gave me his jacket to wear. It smelt like dough and too much deodorant. He was a baker ;)

Saw a fight and a car accident that night.

Walked the streets and talked to crush boy ALL night. Saw the sun come up with crush boy.

Kissed crush boy good morning.

Went camping with my Dad and friend.

Spent many hours on the floor of petrol station on a pay phone talking to crush boy.

My mother had an addiction to the Internet. We had one phone line.

English lit became my all time favourite class.

Got a job as a florist. Got fired from job as florist because I didn't want to leave school.

Got a job as a waitress at Phil's Pizza.

Participated in my own Debutante Ball and again wore something ridiculous.

Learnt to dance silly dances I've never remembered.

Spent every spare moment with crush boy. Fell in love. Dreamt of the future.

Road tripped to Sydney with my PARENTS AND GRANDMOTHER. It very nearly killed me.

2002

Still in love with Crush boy now known as B :) Still dreaming of the future.

In my final year of high school.

Wanting other things in life.

Still working.

Spending less time at home and more time with B at his place.

Convinced finishing school is important.

Talked life and love.

Make plans for a baby.

Create baby in May that year.

Turn 18 in September. 4 months pregnant.

Feel on top of the world.

Quit job to focus on study and growing baby.

Finish school and exams.

Graduate at 30 weeks pregnant.

A hideous photo from my graduation. I hated that dress and the hairdresser ruined my hair. My feet hurt and I was sooooo tired.

Friends drop off the planet due to soon to be born baby and my lack of interest in a social life.

Spend all my time in the ocean over summer with belly babe.

2003

Experience labour and surgical removal of the most incredible little person.

Become a mother to a son on February 1st at 6:05pm.

Skin to skin and first breast feed in Recovery

Experience joy and love beyond words.

Also experience what I now know is PTSD and PND.

Be proposed to. Say yes.

Returned to study Aged Care.

Love being a mother.

Get job in Aged Care.

Learn to drive

Lived life as a family and watched my wee boy grow and turn one.

2004

Co sleeping joy

Cut off all my hair.

Move to Cairns, QLD.

Alexander turns two!

Enrol in a BA at Uni.

Hate Uni. Discover I still hate maths.

Get another job.

Adjust to living in the tropics.

Ditch uni.

Work instead.

2005

Get offered a scholarship to do my Diploma in Nursing.

Get 2nd Job at hospital.

Study Study Study.

Turn 21.

Move into our own house.

Get a cat, Pancakes.

Wish for another babe.

Enjoy our own space.

Explore.

2006

Become pregnant in June.

Finish studying Diploma.

Work as a Nurse in Women's Health.

Discover Joyous Birth.

Discover Doulas.

Enjoy pregnancy and life.

2007

Experience labour and surgical removal of a baby for the second time.

Become a mother to another son on the 14th March at 7:55pm.

Experience love and joy and loss beyond words.

Learn more about PTSD and Birth trauma.

Become heavily disillusioned with the system and mainstream birth support for women.

Begin my doula certification and childbirth education Diploma.

Work slowly through my own birth trauma and become a stronger woman with strong opinions and values.

Turn 23.

2008

Spend a day out on the Reef with B for his Birthday.

Create another baby. A surprise baby that same night.

My most challenging pregnancy yet.

I was ill for a good four months.

Charlie tuns one!

Alexander starts School.

Book Week

Leave my shitty job in a private hospital Women's Health unit to focus on my baby, my birth and healing from old trauma.

Really research, learn, understand, question and grow.

Continue my doula studies.

Make plans for our 3rd birth.

This year was a powerful year of knowing and growth. I felt like I really became a woman. A strong powerful woman.

Had my first Blessingway.

August 2008

Almost 42 Weeks pregnant. 4 days later I would give birth.

Experienced real birth. Had the most amazing baby emerge from my vagina.

Became a mother to a daughter on October 2nd at 4:05am. She shares this day with her great grandmother.

Experience a catastrophic uterine rupture.

Have emergency hysterectomy, very nearly die and discover we wont ever be bringing our daughter home with us.

Journey through and treasure the days we have with our daughter.

Make the decision to let nature take over.

Watch as my daughter takes her last breath.

11 days old and gone.

Survive. Love.

Be away from my family and children for a whole month while I recovered in Hospital.

Be judged. Learn how the world really works.

Face the prospect of criminal charges for choosing to provide a safe, calm and natural birth for my daughter.

Have my world fall to pieces around me.

Pick them up again. Slowly.

My Grandmother died on November 2nd.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

Pull together a memorial service in honour of Yuna Jane. I still don't know how I did it but I did.

December 6th 2008

Got my 2nd Tattoo

2009

Stumble through life grieving, living, loving and learning.

I don't really have much to say about 2009.

It just was.

We survived it.

Went to Canberra to support home birth.

Coming to terms with my womb-less reality.

Went to a counsellor.

Completed my doula certification and Childbirth Education Diploma

Supported births, slowly got my mojo back.

2010

Back on my feet a little more.

Learning to breathe again.

Enjoying the sunshine.

Enjoying my sons.

Continued to immerse myself in all things birth. Took on a paying client and supported a birth.

Made the leap and returned to nursing.

Decided to move back to Victoria.

Presented Yuna's birth story on behalf of the Maternity Coalition at the ACM conference on the Gold Coast. This was amazing and felt so good to share. A major highlight.

Decided I definitely want to continue study and do my Midwifery Degree in the next few years.

A pretty massive decade. Many laughs and many more tears. Much learning and loving.