Friday, September 24, 2010

Every day forever

As it's gets closer to her birthday I wonder what that's supposed to mean for me.
Celebrating a birthday that ultimately wasn't a celebration at all.
Birthday wishes for a person who's not here.
Birthday wishes for a person you didn't really know at all?

As our second year without her rushes upon us I wonder what I can do to honour it.
Nothing feels right.
Nothing feels appropriate.
I don't want balloons.
I don't want cake.

For me, right now it feels like it's just another year that she's fading into oblivion.
Like you're fighting against the storm just to keep her near you.
She's dead.
The more years that pass the less people know about her, remember her.

A "birthday" just doesn't cut it when you baby is dead.

Like a smack in the face I realised I'll be at this point at the same time every year for the rest of my life.
What does one do with that shitty realisation?


  1. :( I can (only) imagine feeling as you do in the same situation.

    What about smashing a bunch of stuff or burning a bunch of stuff? Would that feel more fitting? I guess there's really *nothing* that will "cut it" when it can't bring her back to life, hu? :(

    Those of us who do know about her, never forget her, Carls xoxo

  2. "What does one do with that shitty realisation?"

    I have no idea but desperately want an answer too!

    Throughout most of the year I regard Toren's date of delivery ("birth" just feels uncomfortable for some reason, perhaps because he was delivered so far ahead of his due date and I use his due date as the marker of how old he would be now) as a reminder of the day when I felt the most amazing feeling of love. However, as the anniversary approaches it feels more and more like the anniversary of his death.

    There doesn't seem to be one right way to recognize the day every year - what I feel is appropriate changes each year and any selected activity often feels insufficient.

    I'm sorry that Yuna is feeling further away. Some people will forget that she ever was but I will always remember how much love you have for your daughter.

    Thinking of you (((hugs)))