Time flies when you're a zombie

This time two years ago I'd given up all possibilities of ever having a baby.

I was going to be eternally pregnant.

I've just spent a while reading over my pregnancy blog, Journey to a Birth.

Wow what a lifetime ago. What a different place. What happened to all that time?

Grief happened I guess. Life happened too.

Life continues with just a cloud of grief washing over you every now and then.

This Saturday, the 2nd of October was the day Yuna was born. Two whole years ago.

Although the 1st holds more significance for me. The day I laboured. That day I remember so clearly. I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes it's a wonderful peaceful memory and other times it's a bitter memory of her dying inside me. Not sure what to make of that, so I just let it be.

I wish I had friends here to spend the day with.

I haven't planned anything.

A few people have asked what I'm doing for the day.

Nothing.

I've got a new candle to burn and I had a fleeting intention of painting my belly cast but I doubt it will eventuate.

I am supposed to be attending a birth workers meet tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm up for it.

I just want to sit and stare at a wall.

No what I really want is to go home. To the beach. To sit and stare at the waves all day.

I miss home. I used to spend so much time here. Looking out into forever.

13th Beach, Victoria

Every day forever

As it's gets closer to her birthday I wonder what that's supposed to mean for me.
Celebrating a birthday that ultimately wasn't a celebration at all.
Birthday wishes for a person who's not here.
Birthday wishes for a person you didn't really know at all?

As our second year without her rushes upon us I wonder what I can do to honour it.
Nothing feels right.
Nothing feels appropriate.
I don't want balloons.
I don't want cake.

For me, right now it feels like it's just another year that she's fading into oblivion.
Like you're fighting against the storm just to keep her near you.
She's dead.
The more years that pass the less people know about her, remember her.

A "birthday" just doesn't cut it when you baby is dead.

Like a smack in the face I realised I'll be at this point at the same time every year for the rest of my life.
What does one do with that shitty realisation?

Sketchbook: The beginning

So I finally felt like my ideas for the Sketchbook Project fell into place. No longer were they a mess of tangled ideas with a million directions in my little head. Brilliant.

Now where to start. It's always intimidating when you get a new sketchbook. You never ever want to mess up the first page!

I first had to rebind it because the paper was too thin for my liking. I'm lazy. So I sewed the new paper in with my sewing machine! It worked surprisingly well. Impressed easily, I know.

Then I did the cover. Simple but I like it.

My major theme "Great Hopes and Massive Failures"

Minor themes I'm playing with are:

Grief and Loss (surprising eh?)

Music Saved My Life

Lyrics and Poetry

The theme will make more sense and tie together as you see the pages emerge here on the blog.

Checking in

Just a boring update.

My sketchbook arrived. It's still blank. I need to rebind it and get to work. I've got some interesting ideas running through my head. I just need the time to create now. Woe is me!

Work has been busy. Interesting and great to get my confidence back.

I'm ready to write some letters to people. There's a lot of resentment and anger that I'm holding on to. It no longer serves me. I don't think I'll ever send them but maybe just the act of writing it down and getting it out of my mind will let me sleep.

September here is supposed to be beautiful. Last year it made me bittersweet sad. I remembered the joy of being blissfully pregnant with Yuna. I remembered everything. The smells, the flowers, the sun, the wind. This year I'm just cranky at the humidity and the damn rain. Nothing seems beautiful this Spring. Perhaps it's fading. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's my Birthday next week. B and I are going away for the weekend. ALONE! Oh my!
We're going to a music festival. He gets to hear great music and I get the bonus of admiring John Butler.

I've been dreaming about Yuna. Lots. I don't know what that means. It's her birthday so soon. I can't believe it. That in itself deserves an entire blog post. I'll get to that.