I had planned to come here and ramble incoherently about spirituality and astral planes and my deep profound understanding of my life without my daughter.

Instead I'd just like to complain. I'm sure that will be more interesting, wont it?

To say I'm tired and I'd really really appreciate it if i could get some decent sleep.

I'd like to say I don't like babies.

They are in my face today and I don't like it.

Makes it hard when you need to make post natal visits with mothers and their squishy screaming newborns. Even harder to listen intently as they cry and complain about not getting enough sleep and how sick of feeding they are. To be sympathetic to their worries and complaints.

Pregnancy and birth. I'm freakin' excellent at supporting. When it comes to the real live baby at the end, well I really suck. I really do. I just can't be around babies and this is a new feeling.

It makes me feel so uncomfortable and I'm not exactly sure what it is.

More to ponder and analyze. Brilliant. Just what my already over active brain needs.

Perhaps I should go and do some hard core boxing on the Wii. That should help. Or maybe chocolate cake?

Today

Today.

Today I am happy.

I feel the light in my voice.

I'm enjoying my blueberry polenta breakfast.

It's got maple syrup in it. That would make anyone smile!

I'm enjoying a coffee while listening to Florence+The Machine.

It's cold and I have a headache but meh coffee shall be my cure today.

Today is just today and I am okay.

What is your day today?

Shifting

I've really spent the last few weeks healing, listening and looking after myself. If I've learnt anything at all over the past two years it's to look after myself. To go within and to listen to the messages I'm receiving.

I really feel a shift of energy. It's quite difficult to put into words but I guess the mantra playing over in me is about letting go, moving forward and really gaining an understanding of what happened to me, my family and more importantly my daughter.

"To hold her forever in my heart, to have her with me and remember her out of love. Not out guilt, sadness or grief."

That sums it up really well. This came to me during a session of healing/ energy work. It seems so simple yet so profound in my ability to shift the stuck feeling. I really feel like I'm making progress.

I had a conversation with a very dear friend and we acknowledged that yes this will always be unfair and sometimes won't always make sense but it's what you do with it that really counts. You're entitled to those days when everything is black, when you really don't want to get out of bed and when you see a baby and your heart aches for what you lost. That's okay.

I am not defined by my grief. I am privileged enough to have had this experience and I've been taught some really valuable lessons about life, death and human emotion. Both positive and negative.

I am ready to process this. I am ready to listen. I am open to understanding.