Time flies when you're a zombie

This time two years ago I'd given up all possibilities of ever having a baby.

I was going to be eternally pregnant.

I've just spent a while reading over my pregnancy blog, Journey to a Birth.

Wow what a lifetime ago. What a different place. What happened to all that time?

Grief happened I guess. Life happened too.

Life continues with just a cloud of grief washing over you every now and then.

This Saturday, the 2nd of October was the day Yuna was born. Two whole years ago.

Although the 1st holds more significance for me. The day I laboured. That day I remember so clearly. I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes it's a wonderful peaceful memory and other times it's a bitter memory of her dying inside me. Not sure what to make of that, so I just let it be.

I wish I had friends here to spend the day with.

I haven't planned anything.

A few people have asked what I'm doing for the day.

Nothing.

I've got a new candle to burn and I had a fleeting intention of painting my belly cast but I doubt it will eventuate.

I am supposed to be attending a birth workers meet tomorrow but I'm not sure I'm up for it.

I just want to sit and stare at a wall.

No what I really want is to go home. To the beach. To sit and stare at the waves all day.

I miss home. I used to spend so much time here. Looking out into forever.

13th Beach, Victoria